3 good things...

1. My imagination keeps me occupied when nothing else does. I love my daydreams, exploring fantasy worlds where I can turn time forward or run it back to see if changing one little thing might have a huge difference.

2. My mind has been another source of enjoyment. Puzzling out questions or pondering answers.

3. My God through which all things are made possible.

3 good things...

1. I did get talked to about Friday, but far less formal than I expected. It was more of my boss kinda mentioned it rather than a lecture. I'm very grateful, because I've been trying not to go nuts with worry.

2. Despite the wonkiness of the day I hung 360 clothes, which is quota! (for the first time).

3. Friends. Because I don't just make friends, I make family. ^_^ I love my sisters so incredibly much. My first sister is Katie, my second is Ally, my third is Alena ( feels like dancing because Alena is pregnant), and now I am working on a fourth sister, Cassie. Blood may be thicker than water, but a connection of love is far stronger.

3 good things...

1. My friends have been the people who have taken care of me and given me the love and care that I have needed. My friends have been my family. I would not be here without them.

2. God has been the single most faithful person and I most certainly would not have made it anywhere without Him.

3. I am thankful for the continual reminders that we are all human. I am human I will make mistakes. Other people are human they will make mistakes. When I make mistakes I must remember to not condemn myself, but to learn from it. When others make a mistakes I must remember not to condemn them, because they are an important living breathing being, not to mention the fact that I either have or might make the same mistakes as well.

This reminds me of my call to understand. Understand what? Anything and everything I can get a hold of to understand. For me understanding has brought compassion (so I guess this is technically 4 good things, but I won't tell anyone if you won't). May God bless you and bring you understanding.

Thanksgiving

I am so jacked up right now I don't know what to do with myself. The new job and looking at an apartment has me nearly bouncing off the walls. But that is not specifically what I am writing about right now. I look back at my life and I see people, people who have reached out to me with their hearts. I have not always been the most gracious friend (I think I could stand some more lessons in the how to be a good friend department). So I am writing here Thank you. To Susan and Steve for not only letting me rent a room for almost nothing, but doing it twice and loving me through all my ups and downs. To Katie, Alena, and Ally, I could not have dreamed of better friends. Of the greatest gifts in my life I count you among them. To Mom for all those years ago when you gave me to God, no greater gift can be given than the love God has for us. To my Father who taught me that loving and liking were two different things and that forgiveness can heal through the greatest hurt. To those I have not mentioned I hold you in my heart, think and pray for you often and hope that the future brings us better friendship and a greater understanding of each other. The last will be first, so to God goes my greatest thanks, he has pursued me and romanced me my whole life even when I have turned away. To the one who will never give up hope in me I give my life and heart.
Why I needed to say all that I do not know, but thank you for listening.

War!

I feel like I have to declare war on myself every time I need to do something, but don't necessarily want to do that thing. I'm sure this happens to some degree with everyone. The errant pill taking I mentioned on Facebook is part of the reason. Because I have dysthymia (it's a type of depression, look it up it is kind of interesting) everything is harder for me. I will not blame my disorder for my mistakes. I am the one who has chosen not to fight. I am determined, though, to find my life! It's out there, the one God wants me to live. I am not so good on the asking for help thing, I am learning though.
I have checked out from the library "7 Habits of Highly Effective People" and am currently reading and trying to apply it. I am going to hang on to my hope for all it's worth. My counselor is right, I've been through and survived far to much to let life defeat me now. I also have to say thanks (which I do far to little of) to my friends and family which have helped and supported me along the way. You know who you are!

Hmmm, again...

So from my own research I can definitely say I fall under the 'Gifted' category (although there seems to be a debate as to what gifted really means). What I mean when I say gifted is that I was far ahead of others in development as a child and this has had a lasting effect on me as an adult. I've been reading quite a bit about gifted adults and what kinds of problems arise. The emotional issues have been my first and foremost interest because I have an issue with depression, anxiety, self-confidence, so on and so forth. So what do I find but a very interesting article about the fact that gifted people often have existential depression. Not quite sure what to say to it other than, yeah... I know that problem.
I feel like I'm in chains most of the time. I want to live. I want to laugh and love and care. Be cared for (and I am to many extents). I'm not sure exactly what I'm waiting for or if there even is something I'm waiting for. I don't know how to just pick myself up and deal with it or if I'm capable. All I need to do is make one step at a time and I can get to where I want, yet almost constantly I feel anxiety. It constricts my heart, gives me pain, of course it's the worst when I'm actually trying to do the things that will get me to where I want to go.

Very early...

Too early. I should be sleeping, but as you can see I am not. This has been a stressful week thanks to yours truly, me.
I am messed up and I don't know how to unmess myself. *Sigh* I have this problem of pretty much expecting myself to fail, bad habit, never get into it if you can help it. That habit leads to a debilitating fear. The fact that I know what is hurting me has not helped...I want to change and yet I think that it is going to take a very long time to change. Is it a bad thing that I think that or is it just realistic? What do I do with myself in the meantime? I need to find a way of looking at my days and life positively.
I suffer from the too much and not enough thought process. This process being I am too much of a bother for people and I am not good enough to them.
So many things in my heart need to be fixed and I don't know where to start... I don't know if I've ever said truer.
So I just asked Susan "Where do you find confidence and how do you fight fear?" Her answer paraphrased was, "Fear and confidence are often connected and what you do is to take things in small steps." (This is very paraphrased, but is the essence of what she said)
Hmmm... how to take small steps? I suppose I will need to think on it.

Hmmm...

On one hand I have more hours at work, on the other it is extremely unsatisfying. Hard work seems to rarely be rewarded and bad behavior ignored from those from whom it is expected (most of the time). Very discouraged right now, but at least my savings is increasing. I also bought a bunch of magic cards from eBay. 1000 cards for 19.99 plus 10.50 for shipping guaranteed some odd number of rares (don't remember the number off the top of my head) possibility of getting the expensive Jace ( though if I did get him I'd think a miracle had occurred). So yeah, that was my splurge. I'd say I need a new hobby, but I really like playing MTG. Night everyone time for me to sleep so God bless.

New Days...

So had intended to play videogames this evening to clear my head (was not a good day) and didn't get past checking facebook. ^_^ I wonder how many times that's happened for everyone else.
Unlike my usual I left the chat on so people could see me. Talked to a friend and then to my aunt. We talked for a while... it was nice. Found out that my Dad and Babe had another accident last year (both had broken bones, but they've mended since) and that they visited last summer. Sounded like it went well, apparently my Dad and Uncle ended up meeting old friends at a restaurant.
My aunt and uncle want to meet me for dinner sometime which is awesome... and will probably be awkward and uncomfortable for me. I don't know what they're going through or what they're thinking, though they're clearly worried. I do appreciate that, it's just, hmmm... they are offering support, which I also appreciate. Yes I know there are too many buts, but I REALLY don't trust well, even those who are closest. *sigh* I feel bad for feeling like that, but everything in my life has told me it's not good to trust, and since dealing with the worst of myself that message still hasn't changed. Bad juju... just, bad juju.
So a few more thoughts, I am not reliable as a friend, I hate myself for it, but it's true. Most of the time I just want to crawl into a hole and never come out. My life isn't even that bad and I still feel that way. Maybe I need different meds, but I really don't want to play Russian roulette again. It's not like the ones I have don't work, because they do. I just have the bad habit of after a week doing great at taking my pills I invariably (<--maybe I should change the word) miss some of them and have to start all over again. I wish there was a depression pill that all I had to do was take it monthly. So still frustrated, not so bitter, even a bit hopeful... I can't help but think I'm nuts.

I Don't Like This...

So I am applying for a job in Alaska for a temporary job at a fish cannery. The application is online. I can't think and all of a sudden and I don't care. Yet I do. I want to at least fill out something as simple as a stupid application, but I feel like I've given up already. >_< I am struggling with the description of my job duties... Part of it may be that I am not the only one pushing myself to fill it it out. But now I want nothing to do with anybody and I want to go disappear. It is VERY frustrating to deal with this right now.

I've kept one promise...

The fact that I would post only when I wanted to. So no I haven't forgotten this exists, I just haven't felt like writing anything. So good news this term, I have more hours at work. The bad news, I have more hours at work. ^_^ Not really I'm very happy working more. It means I can save more money, though... I should still look for a job. One possibility is going to Alaska to work in a cannery. 'Tis tempting in a masochistic sort of way. I'd be making minimum wage, but with overtime and nowhere to spend the money I make. Who knows, I might end up working over summer at LCC. -_- So I was supposed to work on my resume... I've done a little. I really still have no idea how to write it. I can format it as pretty or neatly as you please, but when it comes to describing skills I have or job explanations I'm completely stumped. Maybe I should get someone to tell me I can't do it (and mean it), that sort of thing seems to be something that lights a fire under my butt. Hopefully my counselor (she asked me to work on it in the first place) might have some ways to... liven up my descriptions. Maybe it's because I haven't found anything that doesn't tax me to no end and stress me out. *shrug* Well, it was my bedtime an hour ago, so anyone who does and everyone that doesn't read my blog God bless.

Yum

So for dinner this evening I made tonkatsu. ^_^ Pork covered in Japanese bread crumbs then fried.
So my small thing for myself today was a four pack of vanilla Frappucinos. I had one.
Not feeling very philosophical today. Just kinda tired. I have been cleaning my room though, little by little. Hmmm, kind of lackluster today.

The "B" Word

Yes I said it, the "B" word! BUDGET!!!!! O_O So I read a few more chapters in Finacial Peace Revisited and worked on a budget. I will get my emergency fund (or as I prefer to call it my shit hits the fan fund, shit fund for short) fully funded by this next paycheck. Then I'm on to save for my 3-6 months worth of expenses. When I'm done, not much of anything money related will scare me (knock on wood for good measure).
As for the earlier part of my day I've spent it playing Dragon Age and running around on Youtube. Really kind of spent my whole last month supremely bored. My counselor said for me to do something small for myself everyday... not much appeals to me lately. I did have some raspberry sorbet earlier though. I bought myself a pint of it last week, promptly forgot about it, then realized I had it this evening. I suppose that was my small thing for the day.
I need to figure out what I am getting up for everyday. The only thing I can think of that I wake up for now is hope and an utterly stubborn sense of self preservation. This is not to make any less of the wonderful friends I have, because you are all awesome.
I need to look at myself learn what it is that I dislike and work on changing it again. I want to be able to enjoy my own company again.

*blink, blink*

T'was a slow day, not much happened. Went to work, was off in 15 min. because there wasn't enough people to warrant me being there, ran errands, picked up a friend after she was done at work, came home and played video games for the rest of the evening. Plus we watched Ultraviolet.
Was going to play Dragon Age again, but my bookshelf caught my eye. This last summer I went to Financial Peace University to learn about money. It was very good for me. When I went I got the kit which included the book Financial Peace Revisited. That book was what caught my attention this evening. I've dicided that I want to read it all the way through. I need reminders and encouragement as I get closer to the time that I will be out on my own. I want to suceed in life so badly and being able to control my money will be a big part of that.

Mmmm... video games, tired too.

Tried playing Borderlands again. Not so bad now that I understand how the controls work. Was playing Dragon Age: Origins for a while. Found that one of my good friends and her boyfriend play League of Legends. If you don't know what these games are I will elaborate as much as I can.
Borderlands is a FPS (First Person Shooter), not sure what it is about exactly because I really haven't played it yet.
Dragon Age: Origins is a RPG (Role Playing Game, not rocket propelled grenade for those that were thinking it). Your character is charged with saving the known world which in game is called Ferelden I believe. Forgive me if I'm wrong I'm just tired right now. It is based in a fantasy type world with magic and such.
League of Legends is a MMORTS (Massively Multiplayer Online Real Time Strategy) Is a fun game. Each game has either 5 or 3 people to a team. Each person picks a champion (each champion has different abilities and you can have only one of a champion on each team) and you proceed to work together to infiltrate and destroy the other team's base.
'Tis time for sleep I do believe. So good night and God Bless.

-_- I Temporarily Dislike Good Counselors

Well... counselor again today. I like my counselor but she's a good counselor which means (insert dramatic music here) I get to talk about stuff that is not easy to talk about. Which is doubly hard because I am such a private person. Not only that but, my brain likes to shut down when asked direct questions. Not fun... but I went to her to get help and I will use the help she offers even if that means I have to return to dealing with things that make me uncomfortable (or upset, unhappy, etc.).
In other news Little Lost did go to the vet. The swollen chin was a pus pocket (YUCK!). The vet cleaned her up and is supposed to send her home sometime today. I am also slated to get a ton more work hours next term which is a plus in my savings scheme. I almost have my emergency fund fully funded. At some point or another I'd like to get a budget put together and write a list of all the things I'll need before I move out (i.e. pots and pans, towels, etc.).
I've decided that I will only write in this blog when I feel like it. Might sound kind of silly, but I just figured I'd put it out there.

Power... Gone... NOOOOOOO!!!!! And books.

So, about 1:30 pm on Sunday (3/12) we lost power at our house. We got power at about 6pm today. T'was interesting to rely on candles for a night and morning. I used my iphone for my alarm though. I don't usually wake up at 5am willingly.
Why 5 am? Well I could wake up at 6am and take an hour ride on the bus or catch a ride with Katie and Susan to LCC, which takes about a half hour. They both work there (LCC), usually one or the other has to be there at 7am. Besides the couches in the centerbuilding are comfy and I can at least doze on them until other people show up.
No playing video games, no interwebs, it was HORRIBLE! Not really, I just wanted to say that. Actually what I did was read by candle light. The best part though was that we had hot water. I've decided I like having a gas powered water heater.
Ah about reading, I've been reading the Cat Who... series by Lillian Jackson Braun. I finished the first one last night, The Cat Who Could Read Backwards. I'm reading the next one which is The Cat Who Ate Danish Modern. If you don't know what the Cat Who series is about I'll give a little teaser. The main character is Jim Qwilleran a veteran news reporter that disappeared from the spotlight and shows up a few years later at a newspaper called the Daily Fluxion. While he is used to doing crime stories he gets stuck with... the art beat. But the art beat turns out to be right up his alley as murders start happening. In all of this he meets an uncanny siamese, Koko, with a nose for clues. Koko's real name is Kao K'o Kung, and he is endowed with a beautiful set of whiskers. Why the whiskers are relevant you will have to read to find out. ^_^

The Best News Ever

So the best news that I got yesterday... was that a cat had taken a poo. Now I'll actually give this news a context. Little Lost is one of the cats that belong to the people I live with ( the people being Susan, Steve, and Katie). She is very old, somewhere around 17. Sometime last week (Thursday?) we think she got into a fight with another cat ouside. When I found her in the garage her nose was scraped and she had blood in the fur around her neck. We've been keeping her inside since then. She got very sluggish and wasn't eating. So yesterday the news of her pooing was a good thing. I also found that her neck was VERY swollen. The good news was that she was drinking lots of water. I checked her out this morning and she seems to be ok. She was much more energetic, walking over to me for attention and head butting. She also ate food. Last night the plan seemed to be to take Little Lost to the vet on Monday. I'm assuming this will still be the case come tomorrow. Anyway, I thought it pretty funny that the best news I had gotten yesterday was that our cat had pooed.

Zombies

Yes, zombies. On Friday morning my alarm went off. I woke up, but was tired enough to go back to sleep. In the time between going back to sleep and waking up (realizing that I had to be leaving the house in nine minutes) I dreamed about zombies. Basic zombie apocalypse stuff, more zombies than people, zombies trying to eat people, people destroying zombies, I'm sure you get the picture. Well I happened to be a magic using katana wielding bit of awesomeness during the dream. The dream turned out well with the zombies being contained magically and such.
I love my dreams!

The Rose

The rose that serves as the main picture here is actually one I took of a rose that grew in our yard this last spring. Of all the photos I took for my photography class this was my favorite. ^_^ Yay for pretty stuff!

*sigh*

So another day has passed... and I have been sitting here thinking about what brought me to where I am and who I am. Throughout this, one thought keeps popping up; I am broken. There are many things that brought this about but, for the most part there were unconcious questions that I asked of my life. Am I worth fighting for? No. Do I delight you, do I make you happy? No. Am I precious? No. This is how life answered me in my youth and by the time I found people that answered me otherwise, the damage had been done.
I am paralyzed in life by a fear of never changing (ironic). I do not trust people in general and in specific. Yes there are things I am willing to talk about and say to people that seem like deep confidences, but they are not. My bedroom is my sanctuary from the world.
One of my problems is that I have spent most of my years fighting to live in this world. I am tired of fighting. I want to rest and, dang it, I want someone to rescue me. That isn't going to happen though and I know it. All I can see is that the rest of my life is going to have be one big fight as well. That's probably as much my fault as anyone elses. And yet is there really any fault to be had in all of this? I don't know.
I am not completely stagnating though. I am going to a counselor once a week and I hope that I have enough strength and courage ( and when I don't the Lord will provide) to face what demons are still lurking in my life. I want to be free from this. I want to be whole. I want to be able to depend on others and be dependable. I want to be able to help others. I don't want to spend my life in crisis.