So had intended to play videogames this evening to clear my head (was not a good day) and didn't get past checking facebook. ^_^ I wonder how many times that's happened for everyone else.
Unlike my usual I left the chat on so people could see me. Talked to a friend and then to my aunt. We talked for a while... it was nice. Found out that my Dad and Babe had another accident last year (both had broken bones, but they've mended since) and that they visited last summer. Sounded like it went well, apparently my Dad and Uncle ended up meeting old friends at a restaurant.
My aunt and uncle want to meet me for dinner sometime which is awesome... and will probably be awkward and uncomfortable for me. I don't know what they're going through or what they're thinking, though they're clearly worried. I do appreciate that, it's just, hmmm... they are offering support, which I also appreciate. Yes I know there are too many buts, but I REALLY don't trust well, even those who are closest. *sigh* I feel bad for feeling like that, but everything in my life has told me it's not good to trust, and since dealing with the worst of myself that message still hasn't changed. Bad juju... just, bad juju.
So a few more thoughts, I am not reliable as a friend, I hate myself for it, but it's true. Most of the time I just want to crawl into a hole and never come out. My life isn't even that bad and I still feel that way. Maybe I need different meds, but I really don't want to play Russian roulette again. It's not like the ones I have don't work, because they do. I just have the bad habit of after a week doing great at taking my pills I invariably (<--maybe I should change the word) miss some of them and have to start all over again. I wish there was a depression pill that all I had to do was take it monthly. So still frustrated, not so bitter, even a bit hopeful... I can't help but think I'm nuts.
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