3 good things...

1. My imagination keeps me occupied when nothing else does. I love my daydreams, exploring fantasy worlds where I can turn time forward or run it back to see if changing one little thing might have a huge difference.

2. My mind has been another source of enjoyment. Puzzling out questions or pondering answers.

3. My God through which all things are made possible.

3 good things...

1. I did get talked to about Friday, but far less formal than I expected. It was more of my boss kinda mentioned it rather than a lecture. I'm very grateful, because I've been trying not to go nuts with worry.

2. Despite the wonkiness of the day I hung 360 clothes, which is quota! (for the first time).

3. Friends. Because I don't just make friends, I make family. ^_^ I love my sisters so incredibly much. My first sister is Katie, my second is Ally, my third is Alena ( feels like dancing because Alena is pregnant), and now I am working on a fourth sister, Cassie. Blood may be thicker than water, but a connection of love is far stronger.

3 good things...

1. My friends have been the people who have taken care of me and given me the love and care that I have needed. My friends have been my family. I would not be here without them.

2. God has been the single most faithful person and I most certainly would not have made it anywhere without Him.

3. I am thankful for the continual reminders that we are all human. I am human I will make mistakes. Other people are human they will make mistakes. When I make mistakes I must remember to not condemn myself, but to learn from it. When others make a mistakes I must remember not to condemn them, because they are an important living breathing being, not to mention the fact that I either have or might make the same mistakes as well.

This reminds me of my call to understand. Understand what? Anything and everything I can get a hold of to understand. For me understanding has brought compassion (so I guess this is technically 4 good things, but I won't tell anyone if you won't). May God bless you and bring you understanding.

Thanksgiving

I am so jacked up right now I don't know what to do with myself. The new job and looking at an apartment has me nearly bouncing off the walls. But that is not specifically what I am writing about right now. I look back at my life and I see people, people who have reached out to me with their hearts. I have not always been the most gracious friend (I think I could stand some more lessons in the how to be a good friend department). So I am writing here Thank you. To Susan and Steve for not only letting me rent a room for almost nothing, but doing it twice and loving me through all my ups and downs. To Katie, Alena, and Ally, I could not have dreamed of better friends. Of the greatest gifts in my life I count you among them. To Mom for all those years ago when you gave me to God, no greater gift can be given than the love God has for us. To my Father who taught me that loving and liking were two different things and that forgiveness can heal through the greatest hurt. To those I have not mentioned I hold you in my heart, think and pray for you often and hope that the future brings us better friendship and a greater understanding of each other. The last will be first, so to God goes my greatest thanks, he has pursued me and romanced me my whole life even when I have turned away. To the one who will never give up hope in me I give my life and heart.
Why I needed to say all that I do not know, but thank you for listening.

War!

I feel like I have to declare war on myself every time I need to do something, but don't necessarily want to do that thing. I'm sure this happens to some degree with everyone. The errant pill taking I mentioned on Facebook is part of the reason. Because I have dysthymia (it's a type of depression, look it up it is kind of interesting) everything is harder for me. I will not blame my disorder for my mistakes. I am the one who has chosen not to fight. I am determined, though, to find my life! It's out there, the one God wants me to live. I am not so good on the asking for help thing, I am learning though.
I have checked out from the library "7 Habits of Highly Effective People" and am currently reading and trying to apply it. I am going to hang on to my hope for all it's worth. My counselor is right, I've been through and survived far to much to let life defeat me now. I also have to say thanks (which I do far to little of) to my friends and family which have helped and supported me along the way. You know who you are!

Hmmm, again...

So from my own research I can definitely say I fall under the 'Gifted' category (although there seems to be a debate as to what gifted really means). What I mean when I say gifted is that I was far ahead of others in development as a child and this has had a lasting effect on me as an adult. I've been reading quite a bit about gifted adults and what kinds of problems arise. The emotional issues have been my first and foremost interest because I have an issue with depression, anxiety, self-confidence, so on and so forth. So what do I find but a very interesting article about the fact that gifted people often have existential depression. Not quite sure what to say to it other than, yeah... I know that problem.
I feel like I'm in chains most of the time. I want to live. I want to laugh and love and care. Be cared for (and I am to many extents). I'm not sure exactly what I'm waiting for or if there even is something I'm waiting for. I don't know how to just pick myself up and deal with it or if I'm capable. All I need to do is make one step at a time and I can get to where I want, yet almost constantly I feel anxiety. It constricts my heart, gives me pain, of course it's the worst when I'm actually trying to do the things that will get me to where I want to go.

Very early...

Too early. I should be sleeping, but as you can see I am not. This has been a stressful week thanks to yours truly, me.
I am messed up and I don't know how to unmess myself. *Sigh* I have this problem of pretty much expecting myself to fail, bad habit, never get into it if you can help it. That habit leads to a debilitating fear. The fact that I know what is hurting me has not helped...I want to change and yet I think that it is going to take a very long time to change. Is it a bad thing that I think that or is it just realistic? What do I do with myself in the meantime? I need to find a way of looking at my days and life positively.
I suffer from the too much and not enough thought process. This process being I am too much of a bother for people and I am not good enough to them.
So many things in my heart need to be fixed and I don't know where to start... I don't know if I've ever said truer.
So I just asked Susan "Where do you find confidence and how do you fight fear?" Her answer paraphrased was, "Fear and confidence are often connected and what you do is to take things in small steps." (This is very paraphrased, but is the essence of what she said)
Hmmm... how to take small steps? I suppose I will need to think on it.