*sigh*

So another day has passed... and I have been sitting here thinking about what brought me to where I am and who I am. Throughout this, one thought keeps popping up; I am broken. There are many things that brought this about but, for the most part there were unconcious questions that I asked of my life. Am I worth fighting for? No. Do I delight you, do I make you happy? No. Am I precious? No. This is how life answered me in my youth and by the time I found people that answered me otherwise, the damage had been done.
I am paralyzed in life by a fear of never changing (ironic). I do not trust people in general and in specific. Yes there are things I am willing to talk about and say to people that seem like deep confidences, but they are not. My bedroom is my sanctuary from the world.
One of my problems is that I have spent most of my years fighting to live in this world. I am tired of fighting. I want to rest and, dang it, I want someone to rescue me. That isn't going to happen though and I know it. All I can see is that the rest of my life is going to have be one big fight as well. That's probably as much my fault as anyone elses. And yet is there really any fault to be had in all of this? I don't know.
I am not completely stagnating though. I am going to a counselor once a week and I hope that I have enough strength and courage ( and when I don't the Lord will provide) to face what demons are still lurking in my life. I want to be free from this. I want to be whole. I want to be able to depend on others and be dependable. I want to be able to help others. I don't want to spend my life in crisis.