Yum

So for dinner this evening I made tonkatsu. ^_^ Pork covered in Japanese bread crumbs then fried.
So my small thing for myself today was a four pack of vanilla Frappucinos. I had one.
Not feeling very philosophical today. Just kinda tired. I have been cleaning my room though, little by little. Hmmm, kind of lackluster today.

The "B" Word

Yes I said it, the "B" word! BUDGET!!!!! O_O So I read a few more chapters in Finacial Peace Revisited and worked on a budget. I will get my emergency fund (or as I prefer to call it my shit hits the fan fund, shit fund for short) fully funded by this next paycheck. Then I'm on to save for my 3-6 months worth of expenses. When I'm done, not much of anything money related will scare me (knock on wood for good measure).
As for the earlier part of my day I've spent it playing Dragon Age and running around on Youtube. Really kind of spent my whole last month supremely bored. My counselor said for me to do something small for myself everyday... not much appeals to me lately. I did have some raspberry sorbet earlier though. I bought myself a pint of it last week, promptly forgot about it, then realized I had it this evening. I suppose that was my small thing for the day.
I need to figure out what I am getting up for everyday. The only thing I can think of that I wake up for now is hope and an utterly stubborn sense of self preservation. This is not to make any less of the wonderful friends I have, because you are all awesome.
I need to look at myself learn what it is that I dislike and work on changing it again. I want to be able to enjoy my own company again.

*blink, blink*

T'was a slow day, not much happened. Went to work, was off in 15 min. because there wasn't enough people to warrant me being there, ran errands, picked up a friend after she was done at work, came home and played video games for the rest of the evening. Plus we watched Ultraviolet.
Was going to play Dragon Age again, but my bookshelf caught my eye. This last summer I went to Financial Peace University to learn about money. It was very good for me. When I went I got the kit which included the book Financial Peace Revisited. That book was what caught my attention this evening. I've dicided that I want to read it all the way through. I need reminders and encouragement as I get closer to the time that I will be out on my own. I want to suceed in life so badly and being able to control my money will be a big part of that.

Mmmm... video games, tired too.

Tried playing Borderlands again. Not so bad now that I understand how the controls work. Was playing Dragon Age: Origins for a while. Found that one of my good friends and her boyfriend play League of Legends. If you don't know what these games are I will elaborate as much as I can.
Borderlands is a FPS (First Person Shooter), not sure what it is about exactly because I really haven't played it yet.
Dragon Age: Origins is a RPG (Role Playing Game, not rocket propelled grenade for those that were thinking it). Your character is charged with saving the known world which in game is called Ferelden I believe. Forgive me if I'm wrong I'm just tired right now. It is based in a fantasy type world with magic and such.
League of Legends is a MMORTS (Massively Multiplayer Online Real Time Strategy) Is a fun game. Each game has either 5 or 3 people to a team. Each person picks a champion (each champion has different abilities and you can have only one of a champion on each team) and you proceed to work together to infiltrate and destroy the other team's base.
'Tis time for sleep I do believe. So good night and God Bless.

-_- I Temporarily Dislike Good Counselors

Well... counselor again today. I like my counselor but she's a good counselor which means (insert dramatic music here) I get to talk about stuff that is not easy to talk about. Which is doubly hard because I am such a private person. Not only that but, my brain likes to shut down when asked direct questions. Not fun... but I went to her to get help and I will use the help she offers even if that means I have to return to dealing with things that make me uncomfortable (or upset, unhappy, etc.).
In other news Little Lost did go to the vet. The swollen chin was a pus pocket (YUCK!). The vet cleaned her up and is supposed to send her home sometime today. I am also slated to get a ton more work hours next term which is a plus in my savings scheme. I almost have my emergency fund fully funded. At some point or another I'd like to get a budget put together and write a list of all the things I'll need before I move out (i.e. pots and pans, towels, etc.).
I've decided that I will only write in this blog when I feel like it. Might sound kind of silly, but I just figured I'd put it out there.

Power... Gone... NOOOOOOO!!!!! And books.

So, about 1:30 pm on Sunday (3/12) we lost power at our house. We got power at about 6pm today. T'was interesting to rely on candles for a night and morning. I used my iphone for my alarm though. I don't usually wake up at 5am willingly.
Why 5 am? Well I could wake up at 6am and take an hour ride on the bus or catch a ride with Katie and Susan to LCC, which takes about a half hour. They both work there (LCC), usually one or the other has to be there at 7am. Besides the couches in the centerbuilding are comfy and I can at least doze on them until other people show up.
No playing video games, no interwebs, it was HORRIBLE! Not really, I just wanted to say that. Actually what I did was read by candle light. The best part though was that we had hot water. I've decided I like having a gas powered water heater.
Ah about reading, I've been reading the Cat Who... series by Lillian Jackson Braun. I finished the first one last night, The Cat Who Could Read Backwards. I'm reading the next one which is The Cat Who Ate Danish Modern. If you don't know what the Cat Who series is about I'll give a little teaser. The main character is Jim Qwilleran a veteran news reporter that disappeared from the spotlight and shows up a few years later at a newspaper called the Daily Fluxion. While he is used to doing crime stories he gets stuck with... the art beat. But the art beat turns out to be right up his alley as murders start happening. In all of this he meets an uncanny siamese, Koko, with a nose for clues. Koko's real name is Kao K'o Kung, and he is endowed with a beautiful set of whiskers. Why the whiskers are relevant you will have to read to find out. ^_^

The Best News Ever

So the best news that I got yesterday... was that a cat had taken a poo. Now I'll actually give this news a context. Little Lost is one of the cats that belong to the people I live with ( the people being Susan, Steve, and Katie). She is very old, somewhere around 17. Sometime last week (Thursday?) we think she got into a fight with another cat ouside. When I found her in the garage her nose was scraped and she had blood in the fur around her neck. We've been keeping her inside since then. She got very sluggish and wasn't eating. So yesterday the news of her pooing was a good thing. I also found that her neck was VERY swollen. The good news was that she was drinking lots of water. I checked her out this morning and she seems to be ok. She was much more energetic, walking over to me for attention and head butting. She also ate food. Last night the plan seemed to be to take Little Lost to the vet on Monday. I'm assuming this will still be the case come tomorrow. Anyway, I thought it pretty funny that the best news I had gotten yesterday was that our cat had pooed.

Zombies

Yes, zombies. On Friday morning my alarm went off. I woke up, but was tired enough to go back to sleep. In the time between going back to sleep and waking up (realizing that I had to be leaving the house in nine minutes) I dreamed about zombies. Basic zombie apocalypse stuff, more zombies than people, zombies trying to eat people, people destroying zombies, I'm sure you get the picture. Well I happened to be a magic using katana wielding bit of awesomeness during the dream. The dream turned out well with the zombies being contained magically and such.
I love my dreams!

The Rose

The rose that serves as the main picture here is actually one I took of a rose that grew in our yard this last spring. Of all the photos I took for my photography class this was my favorite. ^_^ Yay for pretty stuff!

*sigh*

So another day has passed... and I have been sitting here thinking about what brought me to where I am and who I am. Throughout this, one thought keeps popping up; I am broken. There are many things that brought this about but, for the most part there were unconcious questions that I asked of my life. Am I worth fighting for? No. Do I delight you, do I make you happy? No. Am I precious? No. This is how life answered me in my youth and by the time I found people that answered me otherwise, the damage had been done.
I am paralyzed in life by a fear of never changing (ironic). I do not trust people in general and in specific. Yes there are things I am willing to talk about and say to people that seem like deep confidences, but they are not. My bedroom is my sanctuary from the world.
One of my problems is that I have spent most of my years fighting to live in this world. I am tired of fighting. I want to rest and, dang it, I want someone to rescue me. That isn't going to happen though and I know it. All I can see is that the rest of my life is going to have be one big fight as well. That's probably as much my fault as anyone elses. And yet is there really any fault to be had in all of this? I don't know.
I am not completely stagnating though. I am going to a counselor once a week and I hope that I have enough strength and courage ( and when I don't the Lord will provide) to face what demons are still lurking in my life. I want to be free from this. I want to be whole. I want to be able to depend on others and be dependable. I want to be able to help others. I don't want to spend my life in crisis.